So, you’re pregnant with your first child. Congratulations! Motherhood is truly the awesomest (my boys’ word) adventure you’ll ever have in your life. You will love that child infinitely more than to infinity and beyond (Buzz Lightyear’s phrase). He/she will make you smile in your darkest moments and cry in your happiest ones.  Yes, you will experience numerous Hallmark moments just like the ones you see on the TV ads.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  This is not a post about motherhood. This post is about the beginning of motherhood when you deliver your baby and the first few days after that. Since this is your first pregnancy, you are going to be reading a lot about this stuff but none will tell it like it really is. I will.

“Delivery” Is A Misnomer

I don’t know who was the genius who came up with the concept that a woman giving birth is delivering a baby. No, deliveries are made by UPS, FEDEX and DHL, for example, when a delivery person receives a package from someone and gives it to someone else. We don’t deliver babies, they are not handed to us but come out from inside of us ripping apart everything in their path. But most importantly, we don’t hand them over to someone. We get to keep those special deliveries for at least 18 years  ever.

Drugs Are Good

Always say NO to drugs except when you’re in labor. When you’re in labor, drugs are good:  in with the epidural, out with Lamaze and natural childbirth. There is nothing natural about a watermelon coming out through a straw, right? Which brings me to the next point.

C-Sections Rock 

Sure they’re cutting through stomach muscles and it is an operation but, believe me, you’ll be better off having it. In a C-section, everything stays in its place, whereas with natural childbirth you end up pushing out everything that is meant to stay inside (front and back) along with your baby. Ok, fine, I’m exaggerating, but not too much. Furthermore, if months after you’ve had your baby, you don’t want to leak when you sneeze or laugh, go for the C.  The older you are when you have your first baby, the more you should heed this advice.

Breastfeeding Sucks

Everyone will tell you about the joys of breastfeeding and how you should do it because it builds your baby’s immune system.  Let’s get something straight, EVERYTHING builds your baby’s immune system, alright? You know why? Because it’s a system that needs to be built. Ever heard of  “that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”? That’s how we humans have been building our immune system since Lucy was strolling around in Ethiopia around 3 million years ago. Of course, you’re not going to feed your baby just anything, but ever heard of Similac?

Let me put it to you this way, supposing that your baby is a “natural” and has no problem latching on or you do not develop a breast infection, otherwise known as mastitis, you are, in any case, EXHAUSTED. You are stressed, you are the fattest you’ve ever been in your entire life and you are a long time away from having sex again. If you are breastfeeding, you can’t even have one glass of wine to drown your sorrows in for at least another 6 months (to be added to the 9 months when you didn’t drink while you were pregnant). Getting the picture?

By the way, if you do decide to breastfeed, six months is usually the norm. In other words, if  your baby already has teeth and you’re still breastfeeding, take it as a sign that you should have stopped a while back.

Mother Truly Knows Best

Relax. There is no need to stress. You are going to take your baby home and you’re going to know instinctively what to do. You’re going to spend 24 hours a day with that baby because even in the few hours that you’ll sleep between feedings your mind will be turned on to the slightest movement or sound that your precious bundle of joy will make. You may have been capable of sleeping through an earthquake before, but those days are forever gone.

You will spend hours staring at the utter perfection you are holding in your arms and wondering how you were ever capable of creating it. You’ll start wanting the best for your baby and thinking of ways to make him/her the best, and that’s when you start understanding your own mother…and forgiving her.

Welcome to motherhood.  Nothing will ever be the same. But you won’t want it to be, anyway.