A little over a week ago, it was reported that Fifty Shades of Grey has become the bestselling book in British history. According to The Guardian, more Grey has been sold than Brown’s The DaVinci Code or Harry Potter.

Despite the fact that I love to read and that I like to be culturally correct (that’s what I call keeping up with the bestselling books, movies, etc…), let me tell you why I will never read Fifty Shades of Grey:

 Lousy, lousy writing.  After reading some excerpts from the book on news articles (like I did for Twilight), two things are clear to me:  1.  Twilight seems to have been written by a 15-year old.  2.  Grey seems to have been written by that same 15-year-old in her late 20’s, who never bothered to take a writing class in-between her two chef d’oeuvres.

-I don’t like pain.  I don’t care how sexily it’s packaged or what pleasures are promised after it. Pain is, well, painful—and it’s not for me.

-I don’t have a rape fantasy.  In fact, as far as I’m concerned, the words rape and fantasy don’t belong in the same sentence, which brings me to,

-Mommy porn.  Another two words that should not be paired up. For starters, the word “mommy” implies that you’re the mom of a small child which means that you have no time to have sex, much less read about it.

Now, I won’t even go into the other arguments against Fifty Shades like the book demeans women, and the fan fiction debate. I am, simply put, not into S&M. All that pain, stress, and humiliation. It’s enough to give anyone fifty shades of grey hair, and what woman in her right mind would want that?