This year’s CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) entitled “America’s Future: The Next Generation of Conservatives,” was held from March 14th to the 16th. It featured quite a bunch of tea-drunk
luminaries diminaries or, if you prefer, dumbinaries and those who pal around with them (either out of choice or obligation).
Obviously, I didn’t watch the conference. I have better things to do with my time, like, for example, reading about it and coming to the realization that it should have had a different name. However, before I share my suggestions, I’d like to give you my two cents’ worth (which coincides with the actual worth of the conference) on the more prominent guest speakers.
Sarah Palin was her usual stand-up
politician comedian self, criticizing President Obama and his lack of leadership by saying, “We don’t have leadership coming out of Washington, we have reality television. Accept that it is really bad reality TV and the American people tuned out a long time ago.” This coming from someone who knows firsthand about really bad reality TV and about people tuning out: Sarah Palin’s Alaska (aired 2 months); Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp (aired 1 month); Todd Palin’s Stars Earn Stripes (aired 1 month).
At some point during her speech, she took a mavericky gulp from a Super Big Gulp (so apropos considering that she has a super big mouth) to make fun of New York Mayor Bloomberg’s soda ban initiative against servings larger than 16 ounces in his anti-obesity campaign. Apparently, obesity is hilarious.
Speaking of obesity and hilarity. Ann Coulter had no qualms about making fun of Chris Christie’s absence by saying, “Even CPAC had to cut back on its speakers this year about 300 pounds.”
Ted Cruz is ok with being called a “wacko bird.” We have John McCain to thank for this moniker which he used to describe Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. It’s not only accurate, it buys us some time until we find one custom-made for Cruz. Maybe we should look to Palin for inspiration. She described Cruz as a senator who “chews barbed wire, spits out rust,” which somehow makes me think of Frankenstein, even though I never saw him spitting (or chewing barbed wire).
Michele Bachmann was all about love saying, “We are the movement that wants change! We care about people! We love people!” and ending her speech with “This is our movement, the movement of love, the movement of care. We do this because we love each other and we love our nation!” I don’t think that she has seen Paul Ryan’s budget.
Marco Rubio, the GOP’s Great
White Hispanic Hope for turning Latinos red, showed just how macho he is in front of the anti-amnesty crowd by skirting immigration reform and re-affirming his pro-traditional marriage and anti-abortion beliefs, instead. Maybe this is why he came in a close second after Rand Paul in the conference’s presidential straw poll capturing 23%. Bravo. Rand Paul, still basking from his 13-hour filibuster glory got 25%.
Newt Gingrich made a speech holding a candle and talking about lightbulbs. I guess that when he told Laura Ingraham in early March that he doesn’t know “what the purpose of the CPAC is anymore,” he really meant it.
The only speaker who gave a worthy speech was Jeb Bush who rightly called for a more inclusive Republican party saying that it could not be the “anti-everything” party. But the crowd ’s response showed that it was just not into him, prompting pundits to say that he’s following in Jon Huntsman’s footsteps.
Now, as to the subject of what the CPAC should have actually been called, I looked to the names of TV shows, to a book, and to Secretary of Education Arne Duncan for inspiration. Here’s my list of suggestions (in alphabetical order):
– A Confederacy of Dunces (John Kennedy Toole’s tragicomic book by the same name)
– Breaking Worse (Breaking Bad)
– Empty Suits (Suits)
– Game of Trolls (Game of Thrones)
– Mad Men & Women (Mad Men)
– Out of Touch (Touch)
– Race to the Bottom (Department of Education Race to the Top contest)
– The Americans? (The Americans)
Now, tell me: Which one do you prefer?
Update: @TriciaJJones suggests: House of Lies (great one), Deception, and House of Deception.